I think my poetry screwed something up

i think i just learned that it's not always a good idea to blur the lines between real people and characters in poetry.

I like hanging on every word you spew out.

and to relate to something you once said,

i feel like i've been on an acid trip for the past 21 years, freaking out and so uncomfortable in my own skin.

Tonight i feel alot better, but i think it's because the world seems so much more hopeless. That's sad and i feel wrong. But still i feel better.

But i think i worry about the world too much and not enough about the world around me.
And now i want to shoulder the one's i love, to ease their pain.
I've been so much more selfish than what i believed, and i don't want to be that anymore.

I feel like my sisters let me down, and so i gave up on them and in turn let them down. And my mom who takes on soo much while i run around and only on occasion stop in to say hi. How can i honestly say i love my family when i've been so distant?

And my friends, i use them to make my life seem so much more full because as comfortable as i am all alone, i hate it. What have i done to make their lives better after they've made mine?

Ahh tonight has led to so much thinking about so many things. I'm so angry at the world and yet i am one of it's many problems so i'm also angry at myself. I've given up on what really makes the world turn, love of family and friends. If i don't excersize these things, how can i sit here and preach that the rest of the country should? How can i expect everyone else to take care of each other when i don't even do it?

who am i anymore?

I keep having these dreams. And they usually involve people i haven't talked to in forever, mostly past classmates who i've disliked for soo long because i was an akward kid and they didn't get it.
And i think in these dreams, i'm letting them go, at least the baggage with their avatars attached.

The other night i had bad dreams and was actually really happy when i woke up because i liked where i was. Just because something that doesn't usually happen, happens, doesn't exactly count as a sign...does it?

I'm feeling like i'm getting ahead of myself. Yeah, that's exactly how i feel. But i don't like the idea of being safe and taking a step back to evaluate everything that's going on. I don't like it because that's not who i want to be. I want to be James Dean, crashing his car...not exactly that, but i mean i want to risk it. You've got to risk it to get the biscuit...right?

It's like 5 am and i'm at work having a melt down and i'm not even sure what i'm melting over.

It's been a really good week, i'm not letting it end like this. F that S for realz. (i used letters because i kind of want to quit cussing, i do it without thinking and then feel ignorant.)

Plan for this week,

1. Eat only fruit because i think fast food's corrupted my body.
2. Work out every day
3. Learn how to change my break pads.
4. Not spend alot of money so i can have enough for Cali in June.
5. Write a happy song for a change.
6. Get Adrienne through her final project so she can come home and celebrate surviving her first semester at art school.
7. Party with everyone i love.
8. Learn more about Taylor Ivory Howell cause she fascinates me.
9. Listen to Anthony D's music.
10. Stay at my grandparent's house.
11. oh and no cussing.

Busy week, not really, lol, it's a busy week of sleeping and going to work. You'd think this stuff would take up more time. Oh well, at least it's not rocket science.

Next weeks schedule

Friday-possibly work at arbys even though i should just quit...what's keeping me there? It's only a part time job i don't exactly need.
I should be partying with Anthony D.

Saturday-Roy's graduating ceremony. He's getting his master's degree...or is it his doctorite? huh, should probably find out.
Afterwards either getting drunk with Roy, or driving to Logan to party with Anthony D.

Sunday-Mother's Day. I need to send Cindy flowers seeing as how she's a second mom to me. And i need to show up in Logan with flowers for my real mom, and probably stay the night because that for some reason means alot to her. I wish i wanted to be in Logan more than i do. A simple visit wouldn't mean so much to my mother if i was around more. I wouldn't feel so bad for not being around more.

Monday-unsure,

Rest of the week-possibly working at Arbys, unless i just quit cold turkey... Nope if anything i'll put in my two weeks and pray i don't have to work there anymore.

Friday night-back here at work where i won't want to be but will be happy that i am cause nobody has a job like me. :D

sinking like a stone in the sea...

I love the water, it makes me feel other worldly. And i've learned something that is relatively common knowledge but i still treat like the world's greatest secret. That if you completely dive in, all at once, the temperature of the pool becomes bearable, almost instantly. This is how i always go about it. I dive in all at once without thinking.

The other day i dove in all at once without taking into account that it was only the end of april. And i discovered something i didn't want to believe possible. I discovered that sometimes, despite my tricks, the water is way too cold.

And i left Vicki's pool defeated.

You don't know her. She is pretty much my aunt except for the fact that we aren't related. Most of my family isn't related to me, it's a complicated story. But she lives alone out in the country. Her house is beautiful and she is an artist in my eyes, what with her beautiful flowers and clever decorations. She has a door in the center of her yard. Just a door, and she calls it her "door to everywhere." Sometimes i'll lay out in the sun and just stare at the door. It makes me think of C.S. Lewis. I wonder if he spent his time in an empty room staring at a wardrobe? I wonder if that's how he came up with Narnia?

If you know how he did, please don't tell me. I like to wonder.

Vicki has a pool which has always been my favorite part. It's where i've always spent my summers. It's where i continue to spend my summers, going there almost every day to swim laps and attempt to destroy my self conscienceness. I love it there.

I don't know where i'm going with all this. I'm kind of just writing whatever comes to my mind, waiting for Taylor to get on Facebook. Ahh why did i let myself get involved with that movie? It was really good but i think i'd rather have been on, chatting the night away.

ivory

Painted a picture of you in that gown,
and me in that tuxedo, well i painted myself out.
And all the words once heartfelt,
became tiny scratches of ink on a paper so pale.

i was a fire,
but you were a prism.
you made up every color,
and i just didn't.
i only existed for a second.
you're still poetry in motion.

Dream of a soul mate that's not a prison,
so you can always stay that pheonix that's risen,
no more ashes,
with you there's only perfection.

Accident Prone
originally by Jawbreaker,
covered by Jesse Lacey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le4F-J1rO5s

What's the furthest place from here,
it hasn't been my day for a couple of years...what's a couple more?
when i go, don't forget, the one good thing i almost did,
learned your name without words,
used my eyes and not my hands.

What's the closest you can come,
to an almost total wreck?
And still walk away, all limbs intact,
when i go, you'll be there, crying out, begging me,
i won't hear, just go fast, to this night,
on broken legs,

A near miss or a close call,
keep a room at the hospital,
scratch my accidents into the wall,
couldn't wait to breathe your breath,
cut in line i bled to death,
got to you and there was nothing left.

What's the meanest you can be,
to the one you claim to love?
and still smile to your newfound friends
in the same confusing breath, push away, draw me in,
i won't hear, just go fast, into this night on broken legs.

a near miss or a close call
keep a room at the hospital,
couldn't wait to breathe your breath,
cut in line i bled to death,
got to you and there was nothing left.
got to you and there was nothing left.





This is the kind of sadness that i find so irresistably beautiful. The way he sings it, the way the guitar plays in it, the lyrical depth, just the first lines described how i once felt, "What's the furthest place from here? It hasn't been my day for a couple of years. What's a couple more?"

And then it goes into, "don't forget the one good thing i almost did, learned your name without words, used my eyes and not my hands." To me this is truly wrapping yourself in a person, not getting lost in the static that sometimes comes with sex. It's not about having a sexual relationship but a spiritual one. Ahh it gives me goosebumps just repeating that line in my head.

Start at the line "What's the meanest you can be..." and work your way to the end. I don't even know what i want to say about this. It's honest. Bitterly honest.

That's all i want to say about it.